The book of inspiration

April 4, 2010

Onliners

Filed under: life — Tags: — zproxy @ 1:51 am
  • Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.
  • There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
  • The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
  • Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
  • They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
  • How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, because, ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
  • A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.
  • I hate when women say their body is “shaped like a Coke bottle” and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.
  • Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
  • I’m a mover and a shaker. When I move, I shake.
  • A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
  • Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are…
  • I had an “hour glass” figure, but unfortunately the sand shifted.
  • I’m a Queen because my pantyhose say I am.
  • Early to bed, early to rise and your girl goes out with other guys.
  • College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
  • Give a man a job and you have an employee. Teach a man to shift blame and you have a manager.
  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  • Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
  • The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
  • What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
  • Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her
  • There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
  • If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things. -Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
  • Eskimos have 83 words for snow. Women have 83 words for no.
  • POLITICS: Poly meaning many, tics meaning those little bloodsucking bugs.
  • An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
  • If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
  • Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?
  • The Doctor: “I’m going to prescribe something that works like aspirin but costs much, much more.”
  • If you give a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? The Space Bar!
  • It’s terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Thanks Jalaj!

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Via Onelinerz.net!

[...] Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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